the start

Here I am on the 3rd Jan 2015 drinking wine from a mug (not a mug because Eloise wouldn't let me) about to watch Magic in the Moonlight with Eloise. Does this count as a first date? Because on the list of dates having a cosy movie night is one of them. I was fully prepared to drink by myself over a film tonight. One of my friends thinks i'm a bit of an alchie. Only because I told him one time I got really drunk by myself and he told me to stop drinking by myself because its sad. Is it sad drinking wine and watching a film alone? Or is it the height of independence?

In my second year of uni I started going to films at the cinema by myself. The first one I went to see was one of the harry potter films and it was horrible. Not the film. But me feeling so awkward sitting there alone while everyone had all their pals and were throwing popcorn. It made me feel like shit. But i kept doing it so that I would become ok with myself. The original idea behind this was for me to get over my fear of being alone. Then on Christmas Day 2014 I was sitting there watching Frozen by myself, knitting a terrible scarf for Smay and realised that I don't feel alone. Not one bit. And that feeling was so liberating and since has changed my life a lot. Even in the short amount of time.

This 50 first dates thing; its unchartered territory and being completely honest with you and therefore the world is 100% scary. And that is why I'm sitting here on the 3rd rather than writing it on the 1st like I was supposed. I've been blogging for going on 5 years under the name Scout & Company. And I've been youtubing (consistently) for just the one. But I don't know what the hell to write here because this is probably more personal than I've ever gotten on my blog. Aside from that time I drank whiskey from a tea cup, cried about a boy, filmed and edited my rant and put it on the internet. Thank whoever you believe in that that video is private now.

When you tell people that there isn't a guy in your life or when they ask 'are their any boys on the horizon' and you say 'has their ever been?' theres like this huge weird heavy ugly feeling. Its like I'm broken because I don't have a man. And for the longest time I brought into that idea. That I needed someone. Truth is I'm (for the first time ever) so happy being single. And dating myself for a bit is a happy prospect.

The thing about my biggest fear being fearing being alone for the past 21 years and 6 months of my life is that it shaped my world. I've a few friends. Its hard to come by a guy whose interested in me; which believe me is odd because quite frankly I know I'm pretty and cool and rad (not being arrogant or anything). I've been really really alone and it sucked only because I believed it. I've never been alone. Not really. I was a popular kid who went through some self inflicted shit. I chose it. Basically what I'm saying is whatever your fear is you should face it head on. And this is that. Facing my fears even though I've gotten over it. Which is so rad. 50 dates aye. wow! Lets begin.